The silence spoke to me

The silence spoke to me today. There was a lot of clutter in my head. And, chitter-chatter. The voice was very feeble and I could hear nothing. I sensed that it wanted to meet me. I knew there was an urgency, a desperate need to be one with it. It would be a moment of stillness, of serene bliss and a moment of teenage romance with self. My heart was racing with excitement and I had to try hard to suppress my eagerness.

I said, as a matter of fact, that I don’t have time and reluctantly decided to meet with it in the evening. I didn’t promise though, nor, did I commit. How could I? I am too busy. As I turned away, I knew the feeling was mutual. A feeling so heavy that it threatened to drown my heart. I wanted to turn around and let it be one with me. But, I knew I was busy. What did I ever do that the silence had to speak, I wondered?

It was just another day. Same routine, same exhaustion and same pretension of being a superwoman. Minute by minute my heart was getting heavier. I dragged myself back to home from work. I was getting irritated, agitated. I wanted something, but what it was, I don’t know. I again saw the silence peering through its dark eyes – with a hope to talk to me. It was telling something that I could not hear. The tiredness had started to bear down on me. “Go away”, I said to the silence, further irritated. “What did I ever do that silence is desperately seeking me”, I thought aloud!

As I went home, I thought Mom would have the food ready for me to eat. I was literally trembling with hunger. My toddler came running to me and demanded my attention. My otherwise drop-dead cute toddler appeared nothing more than a disturbance. I felt guilty of thinking that way. The silence was waving at me all this while, but I couldn’t wave back.

Rubbing her knees – probably they were hurting – Mom said I had to cook and food is not ready yet. My heart almost sank. I thought Moms understood! My daughter started crying for my attention. She didn’t care if I was exhausted. I was her Mom. I had to understand. I picked her up and started cooking. I saw the silence standing out in the balcony, abandoned by me. This time, I assured myself that I will meet with it in the night.

Now, it was my elder one’s turn to demand attention. The demand for energy was far from the supply that I had. I had to gather myself to battle the supply shortage. She wanted hugs, kisses and a truck load of attention. I was her mother. I had to understand. My possessive toddler threw a tantrum and cried harder at every kiss that I planted on my elder one’s cheeks.

I wanted to run away. It was that day of the month and every inch of me was aching – on the inside and outside. Just then the silence waved at me to hold its hands. But my kids pulled me to the study as they wanted to listen to a story.

I got busy again. I quickly gulped down a few morsels mechanically, put the younger one to sleep and told the elder one to finish her dinner and get to bed herself. Her Mumma was a little busy today. I selfishly hid the fact that I was going to date with my silence and I clearly wanted her out of the way. She resisted but gave in to my selfish wish. She felt hurt and failed to see my guilt ridden heart. I finally told the silence to wait for me downstairs.

I had the excitement of going on a candle light dinner on a tree house. I pushed my guilt aside and looked forward to a blissful time of togetherness.

This moment, I told myself, will be untouched by anything that has a say in my life. It was the time to meet myself, heal the soul and refill my energy. It was a moment to walk through life soaking in every bit of present. The air caressing my cheeks, the trees waving hello, the stars smiling at me and the moon reminding me of the peace and light inside me, even in the moments of darkness.

Just when I opened my arms wide to embrace the silence, I heard a “hello” from behind and lots of giggles. I turned around to see two other neighbours on their evening walk. They insisted that I join them for a walk and I couldn’t deny. After all, I had asked for their company when I was alone, but, they came to me when all I wanted to be is, alone.

I saw the silence feeling betrayed by me and its tears screamed at me with a sore heart. I couldn’t wipe its tears, neither could I explain. The heaviness was too much to bear. But, I was back to my pretending self. Wasn’t I a strong woman, after all? I hid my heaviness in the laughter that followed. I deceived myself in the humour that ensued. The silence vanished in the darkness as the giggles filled the air. I told myself that I will definitely meet the silence in a few minutes. I was too busy just now.

By the time I got back home, the lights were off and the dim bed light was already seducing me to sleep. I just slid under the blankets and drifted off in my thoughts. My silence was not to be seen as my kids turned and groaned even in sleep. Even when the noise in my head got louder, I assured my silence that I will meet with it the next day. I had a feeling I longed for something, but, just couldn’t point my fingers on it. I felt that my silence peeked from behind the curtains just then. But, I had already drifted off to a world that belongs to none.

As the loud chitter-chatter in my head lulled me to sleep, I wondered for one last time, “what did I ever do that the silence spoke to me?”

Tomorrow will be yet another day.

 

Also published in mycity4kids.com