I cannot forgive you Mom

I cannot forgive you mom

I was 7 years old since when you have always been mean to me, Mom. I vividly remember that day when I played so hard in the hot sun. With stomach rumbling and love filled in my heart; I came running home to hug you, thinking you will serve me food. Instead, you snapped at me to serve it myself and I was so hurt Mom. I remember throwing a tantrum but you stood your ground. Before I knew, I had grown so big that I didn’t need you to serve me food anymore. That was the last you ever served me food as you were just so mean, Mom.

You knew very well I liked to snuggle up to you while sleeping. But, you chose to wake up early morning at 3 am leaving me warm with just a blanket. You used to walk a few kilometers to fetch water for us, all this while keeping a night lamp ON. That dim light used to bother me Mom. I used to yell and throw things at you to stop the hustle bustle at those wee hours. All you did was pat me back to sleep and I cannot forgive you Mom, for disturbing my cozy sleep.

I never used to like the food you prepared. My friend’s mom used to cook so many varieties of food and, here, I was bored of eating the same food every single day. I think you were just lazy to prepare good food Mom. And, I am sure even you didn’t like the stuffs you made, because, I have seen that you slept without eating many a times. You left that food for dad to finish, after he comes home late at night. You were so selfish and, therefore, I cannot forgive you Mom.

You always used to take care of my sisters and brother better, Mom. You didn’t mind walking few kilometers to see them off to school in the morning, cook food for them once you were back and, walk again all the way to feed them lunch. I am sure you would secretly hug and kiss them too, Mom. I used to really enjoy the time when you were out and left me at my friend’s home. Her Mom would tell me that my legs would hurt if you took me along, but I knew better Mom. You never loved me enough to take me along. After all, you didn’t give me time even after coming back. You found joy in washing clothes and doing other mundane stuff all day. I cannot forgive you for being a big bore, Mom!

I have even told you a couple of times that I don’t like you. I expected you to realize that I needed your love and how lonely I feel. You never understood or consoled me; instead, you started crying yourself, Mom!

Today, I am a Mom and I still know better. I will strive to be the mother that you could never be, Mom. I will give my kids the best that I can. I will work hard all day long so they can get a life so comfortable. I will give them the healthiest food to eat just so they can grow really well. I know they don’t like the food I prepare, but, I just know better than them Mom.

I know we are busy earning a livelihood and, usually get to spend very little time with kids. How can I? I have to take care of the house, kids and even work along. I have a maid to help and even arranged for school transport so I wouldn’t have to drop them off. It gets very tiring, Mom. And you know very well that it’s a bit difficult in our times, to give as much time as kids would please.

I know I just have two kids while you had five. I try to balance work and home but, I still don’t find some time off for myself, Mom. The other day, I had a very bad day at work and all I wanted to do is just sit in peace for a while. My 7 year daughter just wouldn’t understand and she wanted only me to serve her lunch, Mom. I snapped at her so hard that she cried for long. I just couldn’t care as I was feeling so down.

With another toddler around, I remain so busy around him that I forgot all about the incident in the days to come. She is being cold to me since, as I love her brother more, that’s what she thinks. It’s been a while that I found time to serve her food, but Mom, I think she is doing just good.

I am doing the best I can and I love my kids a lot. But, the other day she came up to me and said she hates me, Mom. I felt so hurt that before I knew, my eyes were wet as she just snapped at me and with her friends, she left.

I wonder till date, what I ever did. She just muttered so easily that I cannot forgive you, Mom!

 Disclaimer: This is NOT the story of MY LIFE. This is a story weaved from various incidents and situations that I have heard, seen or read. Every mother has her own battles which children don’t understand and perceive in a different way. All the way, children complain and hurt their parents unknowingly. As teenagers, some even blame their parents. But, only when they themselves become a parent they understand what it is to be one and that every parent does the best they can for their kids. Life comes a full circle. By then, its too late to seek forgiveness and, at other luckier times, parents still listen to their kids (like how the protagonist is telling her pain to her own mom who she found to be mean) and stand by them in their tough times – irrespective of the past.

Image Credit:

Cover Photo – anitapeppers from Morguefile

Inside Photo – kamuelaboy from Morguefile

 

First published in mycity4kids.com with about 230,000 views

Also, published in Huffington Post

 

 

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10 Things only Moms with Daughters can Understand

Accept it! There are a few things only Moms with daughters can truly understand! Whether its cuteness, emotions or shopping, everything is multiplied by two, or three. Oh! Wait, maybe five times. Never mind, let’s just agree on exponentially!

From the time I have known that we can grow up and have kids of our own, I have dreamt of having a daughter. You know those dreamy teen days when everything seems to be a fairy tale? I was the queen and I was going to have princesses without further arguments on that!

And, as it turns out that I am the Queen of my house (albeit, self –declared) and I do have princesses. And, the fairy tale continues…

Having lived through the fairy tale, I realize that there are few things only Moms with daughters can understand.

Here are 10 of them.

1. Pink and not guilty

Your house has an overload of pink – almost nauseating – and you certainly find it cute! Right from clothes to potty seat – everything is pink. Now all those who are called Pinky at home, please raise your hands!

2. The more you shop, the more you need to shop

One dress bought. The second one was too cute. The third one was just irresistibly adorable. The fourth one was just so Awwwww!!

And, then comes the matching-matching fever. The hairbands, and bows, and shoes, and hand bags, and sometimes even matching dresses for the dolls.

The awwwww factor is directly proportional to the shopping bills and inversely proportional to your will power.

3. You’ll know all the Princesses by-heart

Princess

It all starts with a “Princess on board” sticker for your car. You know you are a Mom with daughters if you have seen the same princess movie over and over again! Not only do you know them by-heart but you also have towels, pencil box, lunch box, curtains, bed spreads and pretty much everything with princesses. Your house is one big fairy land where all the princesses reside.

Currently, we are going through a long haul of Elsa craziness at home. Now, she even wants the Frozen powers. How I wish I could simply add that powers to my shopping cart!!

4. Your dupattas are their sarees

Once you have dealt with the princesses, you have to deal with your dupattas going missing. Dupatta is a to-go thing whether your little girls want to play teacher-teacher, mummy-daddy or princess-princess (remember that long flowy thingy on their shoulders!!).

Yesterday, my kids were playing monster-monster using a dupatta! Now, I dare not imagine why the monster was wearing a saree out of all?

5. Dozens of hairbands you buy, but, where are they?

hairbands

Those who seek shall find. But, those who seek shall “never” find hairbands and hair clips. They have minds of their own. They pop up at the most unexpected places at unwanted times, but, when you seek they conveniently vanish.

6. Constant fear of your dressing table being invaded

Forget the toys. The most interesting play area is Mommy’s dressing table. So, if your treasured lip colour or make up kit was invaded mercilessly, breaking your heart into tiny little pieces, I know how it feels.

It feels like you are having daughters at home 🙂

7. Flood of emotions

10 things only moms with daughters can understand

Little girls are very emotional and cuddly beings. Bank on them for some unexpected hugs and kisses giving you an Oxytocin (the feel-good hormone) punch! A deliberate sad face made by Mamma is translated into heart-melting hugs and kisses from the little girls.

Mom gets hurt or the daughters, everybody cry. You get them their favourite stuffs and they kiss, you kiss and everybody is kissing and cuddling. Then, for no reason, you are hugging, they are hugging and everybody is hugging each other.

8. They know the different shades of same colour

Daughters have an inbuilt mechanism of identifying colours that refuses to fall in line with their Dad’s colour IQ. With a wicked grin, you enjoy conversations like:

Papa, I want that pink dress
But you already have a pink!!!
Papa, but this is a different pink!
Whatever! It’s still PINK!!
No, it’s not!
Yes, it is!
No, it’s not!!
YES, IT IS!!
Ok, FINE!
Papa doesn’t know anything!

(That “anything” can give you the most satisfactory grin! I know… )

9. Your house is stuffed with stuffed toys

Papa bear, Mamma bear, Minnie mouse, Rabbit, Kitty, small dog, big dog and yet another dog! Stuffed toys are everywhere! Don’t even get me started on Barbie dolls and kitchen sets!

10. The best buddies

Mom daughter buddies

Daughters can be the best buddies to talk to. They will not only listen to you patiently but also make you feel so good for having spoken to them. You can discuss anything under the sun and you have a perfect companion – a soul-mate – who will wonder, sympathize, empathize and criticize your talks. And, at times, even understand your silence.

Let me give you a bonus point which is, let’s say, “trending” among the things only a Mom with daughters can understand!!

You end up wearing a helmet with Princess/ Kitty / Teddy on it!

This is a new situation in namma Bengaluru after the helmet was made compulsory for the pillion rider. I saw a lady wearing a flashy helmet and wondering why people were staring at her!

But, don’t we understand that she is a Mom with daughters? 🙂

Life of a Mom with daughters is very privileged and can get pretty interesting. Yes, as I had written earlier you struggle to find your “me time“, as any mother would. But, these adorable, cute, cuddly beings are a source of deep pleasure and joy. And, you get to do a lot of cute stuffs with them 🙂

 

Also published in mycity4kids.com

The silence spoke to me

The silence spoke to me today. There was a lot of clutter in my head. And, chitter-chatter. The voice was very feeble and I could hear nothing. I sensed that it wanted to meet me. I knew there was an urgency, a desperate need to be one with it. It would be a moment of stillness, of serene bliss and a moment of teenage romance with self. My heart was racing with excitement and I had to try hard to suppress my eagerness.

I said, as a matter of fact, that I don’t have time and reluctantly decided to meet with it in the evening. I didn’t promise though, nor, did I commit. How could I? I am too busy. As I turned away, I knew the feeling was mutual. A feeling so heavy that it threatened to drown my heart. I wanted to turn around and let it be one with me. But, I knew I was busy. What did I ever do that the silence had to speak, I wondered?

It was just another day. Same routine, same exhaustion and same pretension of being a superwoman. Minute by minute my heart was getting heavier. I dragged myself back to home from work. I was getting irritated, agitated. I wanted something, but what it was, I don’t know. I again saw the silence peering through its dark eyes – with a hope to talk to me. It was telling something that I could not hear. The tiredness had started to bear down on me. “Go away”, I said to the silence, further irritated. “What did I ever do that silence is desperately seeking me”, I thought aloud!

As I went home, I thought Mom would have the food ready for me to eat. I was literally trembling with hunger. My toddler came running to me and demanded my attention. My otherwise drop-dead cute toddler appeared nothing more than a disturbance. I felt guilty of thinking that way. The silence was waving at me all this while, but I couldn’t wave back.

Rubbing her knees – probably they were hurting – Mom said I had to cook and food is not ready yet. My heart almost sank. I thought Moms understood! My daughter started crying for my attention. She didn’t care if I was exhausted. I was her Mom. I had to understand. I picked her up and started cooking. I saw the silence standing out in the balcony, abandoned by me. This time, I assured myself that I will meet with it in the night.

Now, it was my elder one’s turn to demand attention. The demand for energy was far from the supply that I had. I had to gather myself to battle the supply shortage. She wanted hugs, kisses and a truck load of attention. I was her mother. I had to understand. My possessive toddler threw a tantrum and cried harder at every kiss that I planted on my elder one’s cheeks.

I wanted to run away. It was that day of the month and every inch of me was aching – on the inside and outside. Just then the silence waved at me to hold its hands. But my kids pulled me to the study as they wanted to listen to a story.

I got busy again. I quickly gulped down a few morsels mechanically, put the younger one to sleep and told the elder one to finish her dinner and get to bed herself. Her Mumma was a little busy today. I selfishly hid the fact that I was going to date with my silence and I clearly wanted her out of the way. She resisted but gave in to my selfish wish. She felt hurt and failed to see my guilt ridden heart. I finally told the silence to wait for me downstairs.

I had the excitement of going on a candle light dinner on a tree house. I pushed my guilt aside and looked forward to a blissful time of togetherness.

This moment, I told myself, will be untouched by anything that has a say in my life. It was the time to meet myself, heal the soul and refill my energy. It was a moment to walk through life soaking in every bit of present. The air caressing my cheeks, the trees waving hello, the stars smiling at me and the moon reminding me of the peace and light inside me, even in the moments of darkness.

Just when I opened my arms wide to embrace the silence, I heard a “hello” from behind and lots of giggles. I turned around to see two other neighbours on their evening walk. They insisted that I join them for a walk and I couldn’t deny. After all, I had asked for their company when I was alone, but, they came to me when all I wanted to be is, alone.

I saw the silence feeling betrayed by me and its tears screamed at me with a sore heart. I couldn’t wipe its tears, neither could I explain. The heaviness was too much to bear. But, I was back to my pretending self. Wasn’t I a strong woman, after all? I hid my heaviness in the laughter that followed. I deceived myself in the humour that ensued. The silence vanished in the darkness as the giggles filled the air. I told myself that I will definitely meet the silence in a few minutes. I was too busy just now.

By the time I got back home, the lights were off and the dim bed light was already seducing me to sleep. I just slid under the blankets and drifted off in my thoughts. My silence was not to be seen as my kids turned and groaned even in sleep. Even when the noise in my head got louder, I assured my silence that I will meet with it the next day. I had a feeling I longed for something, but, just couldn’t point my fingers on it. I felt that my silence peeked from behind the curtains just then. But, I had already drifted off to a world that belongs to none.

As the loud chitter-chatter in my head lulled me to sleep, I wondered for one last time, “what did I ever do that the silence spoke to me?”

Tomorrow will be yet another day.

 

Also published in mycity4kids.com